It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Wake me when it's over.

The looming election has, naturally, begun to stress me out. Oh sure, by logic, reason and faith, Obama's got this thing tucked away, but you try telling that to my night terrors.

Thankfully, for Obama, the world, and my own sanity, John McCain is a damned fool. When emotionally sober, as I am now, it becomes quite clear that Mr. McCain has made one-too-many missteps to be taken very seriously at this stage. Granted, he's found some of his old swagger as of late, and even the national polls are tightening, but they are doing so ever so slowly, mind you. Propelled by this "Joe the Plumber" degenerate, Mr. McCain has launched into his latest and, perhaps, most effective line of attack: Barack Obama is a, wait for it, wait for it...SOCIALIST!

et tu, comrade?

Mr. McCain seems quite at home with such pesky McCarthyism, in a way that he's never seemed comfortable with his previous divisive, race-baiting, fear-mongering, petty, shallow attacks. Indeed, it appears that he's rather found of this red scare creation. This is easily explainable. After all, it's apparent that, given his loathing of Russia and painfully obnoxious Churchill complex, the Republican candidate would love to re-ignite the Cold War. So why not spark some jingoistic fury at home to get things rolling?

Will it work? No. Not enough people are crazy enough to relive the Boomer wars - cold or hot. For Mr. McCain, though, the problem is not only the message - although it's terribly mumbled, ignorant and solipsistic - but where that message is given.

I can't help but laugh, then, as McCain parades around Iowa and Pennsylvania in these closing days. Iowa is absolutely nonsensical, considering Mr. McCain never contested the Republican caucus in January and, as a result, finished a distant fourth. Who beat him? Well, Mike Huckabee, a religious nut who campaigned with, I swear to god, Chuck Norris (and Jesus, of course); Mitt Romney, a millionaire Mormon with the intellectual prowess of a peanut; and, my personal favorite, "Dead Fred" Thompson, a gentlemen who, so deprived of charisma and consumed with indifference, that he entered the race just to show off his bodacious "trophy wife." That's who.

Oh, and did I mention that Barack Obama won his Iowa caucus? You know, the same one that launched him into the political stratosphere? What about the fact that Mr. McCain opposes (and does so correctly, I'll admit) the ethanol industry, a power-player in the Iowa heartland? And that Iowa, a small state of only 7 electoral votes, has been deep-blue since the summer? To top it off, Mr. McCain is a tool, so why the hell is he in Iowa?!

Pennsylvania, however, is even better. Why? Because of all the time and resources the Republicans have poured into the state. Mr. McCain, along with the gift that keeps on giving, Sarah Palin, have screeched, hollered and ranted incessantly from Pittsburgh to Philly, but little has changed. I'm sure that they're counting on every racist, bigot and backwards, bitter hillbilly to turn out, but even so, I'd say Barack takes PA by double-digits.

You would think, given the desperate nature of the race, that the Republicans would battle with their trademark gusto and determination. Nah. A simple bout of rain drops sent the Gruesome-twosome packing for the day, leaving a bunch of Quakers to shiver in the cold, muttering about Mooslims and Commies to themselves. Now Sarah, I understand your plight. You're off the hook this time. McCain, no such luck, buster.

Meanwhile, Barack was chilling in Pennsylvania that day too, but instead of taking cover, he fired-up a couple thousand hope-mongers, rain and all.

Hello sunshine.